CRASH? BANG! WALLOP£

Amidoinitrite?

Turns out a guy on my Myspace top ten frieds list is a pedophile. Yeah I added him five years ago because he had cool hair in his profile picture. We never spoke but I made him one of my top friends to imply I knew cool and stylish people in bands (he's in that awful Emo Crunk band everyone was laughing at a couple years ago) back before I moved to Camden and started snorting smack with Libertines hangers-on ten years after the fact. THEN, a few weeks ago the word on the street was he slept with Jessi Slaughter, 11 year old daughter of Mr 'you dun goofed' Slaughter and expert back-tracer (consequences will never be the same). Having never had any kind of relationship with a pedophile before I wasn't quite sure what to do but as I added him years ago, I guess that makes us old friends and I guess I have to stick by him. I decided to mail him and talk about his problems and then make a huge deal about the whole thing and publish it on a website.

Dude you had sex with an 11 year old? What the fuck was going on in your mind? Hey don't be afraid to speak to me, I'm there for you friend.

What, who are you? WTF? Fuck you that's slander. I didn't sleep with a kid. What the fuck are you talking about??????

It's me Mary, we've been myspace friends for about five years now, so after hearing unsubstantiated rumours about you on 4chans /b/ I'm here for you bud.

*Noreply*

Hey Bud?

*Noreply*

I hope you didn't kill yourself for being a disgusting pervert and being a kid fucking piece of shit Dahvie, I really hope you didn't do that.

*Noreply*

FIN.

WORDS: MARY MUSTAPHA

PIC: A DISGUSTING FUCKING PERVERT